The Edge

Doing some thinking lately. And a little drinking...and smoking...and screwing. Consuming life, you might call it, and all of its finer points, things that tend to give me that pleasant chemical cocktail. Yes, thought, reflection, and debauchery: perfect together.

I was talking to a buddy of mine who had the same deal I did: Race, crash, figure out how to operate legs again, get back in a damn car. And another one who got pretty f*cked up in another extreme sport and never went again.

Here's what I've figured out about myself. The guy that went back to racing did it for accomplishment. He wants to win the championships, take home the Driver of the Year Awards, and all that nonsense. Everything is second to that, and until he succeeds, his life is pretty much driven by that. If he never reaches his end goal, his life will be empty.

I am not him. Trophies are dandy, winning championships is cool, but what does that prove? That you and your car were the best that year. Greater drivers came before you, and greater drivers will follow you. Inevitably, there will be better cars than yours. So all that success is really only a temporary thing, and temporary things don't matter.

What I do, the racing, the pushing, and all of that...it's about standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down, and letting the wind blow you just a little bit. Losing your footing for an instant before stepping back. It's about finding that edge, putting yourself in a position where one false move spells the difference between life and whatever comes next. It's about finding out if being on the edge scares you, because if you're scared, it means you really enjoy your life, and value it and everything that comes with it: The nice apartment, the good job, the pretty girlfriend, the fast car.

There was a song a while ago, on a game called Streets of SimCity from Maxis. It was called "Czar", and it was awesome:

Get out of my way
Cuz I'm havin` a bad day
The car's in the driveway
But I'm walkin` sideways
Goin` somewhere, and I'm gonna be first
In front of me, you're gonna get hurt
I don't know you, I couldn't care less
This lane is mine
Don't gimme the road, cuz I'll take it
If I don't get the right of way, I'll make it
Right on red
You're dead
I'm drivin`, that's all you need to know
Can't stop crossing the line
Nothin` in front, who cares what's behind?
Fill it up, check the oil
Eat my dust and like it, little man

I'm here, I'm there
I'm everywhere
I'm on the ground and in the air
There's no tomorrow, just today
If you make me late, you're gonna pay
I pop my clutch, I strip my gears
There's not a thought between my ears
You crash and burn, you scream and shout
You're in my sights, I take you out
I'm in my car, behind the wheel
My engine smokes, my tires squeal
I'm your worst nightmare come to life:
No home, no bills, no kids no wife
You're the czar when you got a kickass car

I melt the streets, I own the road
I set you up and then I unload
I take a drag and swig some booze
Say your prayers, no time to lose
Up in front, to the end I go
I walk the line and spread some woe
So pack your bags and split the scene
It's only me and my machine
I pop my clutch and strip my gears
There's not a thought between my ears
You crash and burn, you scream and shout
You're in my sights, I take you out
I'm in my car, behind the wheel
My engine smokes, my tires squeal
I'm your worst nightmare come to life:
No home, no bills, no kids, no wife
You're the czar when you got a kickass car

The guy that found himself on the edge, tumbled over it, and then never came back was not meant truly meant to seek that particular position. It's better for him now that he's given up: He's back in the place he belongs, with all the other people who value their lives too much to find out if they really do like being alive.

On the other hand, I tumbled over the edge, and I'm going back the next chance I get. And the day I stop being afraid of that edge is the day that my life just isn't worth living.

I do what I do for the same reason people ride roller coasters: To be afraid for a few minutes. The difference is, in the back of their minds, they know they're safe. Roller coasters are very safe machines. A car doing 180 mph isn't very safe at all, no matter how well it's engineered.

Back to that thing about temporary things being worthless...yes, I know I'm jumping around a little, I've had a couple fingers of scotch and I tend to do that. Right now, Lisa and I are just living together. It doesn't matter how close we are, at least not to me. The relationship is still in the "transitory" column.

The problem is, I love this girl to death. And not "I love her ass" or "I love that thing she does" or "I love the way she looks at me". I fucking love her. She's the only person that could tell me to stop racing that I would listen to. My parents already have. A few friends already have. A few professors have told me that it would be a collossal waste of intellect if they had to hose my mind out of a car. While that last one is good for an ego stroke, it has very little effect.

But Lisa...that's a different story.

Which is why I'm considering moving our relationship into the "permanent" column. There's a very nice engagement ring down at the jeweler's.

In my next post, I'll give my first impressions of the Nissan Skyline R34 GT-R V-Spec II, and give everyone a reason why 90% of the cars on the road suck ass.